It really sucks when you’re never sick and that faithful day you actually become sick, people don’t believe you. No one ever really comes out and says, “I don’t believe you,” but you can tell in the way they get upset because you can’t do things as well as before or come through when THEY need YOU. And even though you give them the reason that you’re suffering from a disease that’s happening internally, it seems no one could quite give a damn. DAMN.

I’m in the process of getting medical help for what my doctor thinks could be rheumatoid arthritis. Easy tasks like twisting open a bottle cap or brushing my teeth or walking down (YES, DOWN) stairs are truly IMPOSSIBLE for me to do without help in the morning. If you don’t have a disease that attacks your own body then don’t speak on me not being able to feel pain because I don’t show it

I feel like everyone I care about turns their cheek when I bring up anything that has to do with rheumatoid arthritis. Mostly because I don’t think they know anything about the disease. Nobody seems to understand that my body is attacking itself and will leave my hands deformed as time goes on and possibly motionless.

I’m tired
I worked like 40-50 hour weeks in the last few weeks on NSAIDs and coffee to keep me going, so no, I’m NOT feeling up to drinking every other night. My family doesn’t believe me. They think I’m not really sick cuz I’m “too young” to have arthritis. That sets me off because none of them have any kind of arthritis or even know what I feel waking up. All this and I’m trying to go back to school and work out but I am so goddamn tired. And in pain

So yah don’t call me out on not being there for YOU on YOUR terms when I have shit to do. I have to worry about my health cuz it’s obvious no one else gives a shit until it affects me being there for them somehow

In the last, three days I have smoked almost two packs of cigarettes, which is really bad. I’m addicted to feeling smoke in my lungs and burning. I’m addicted to the “idea of love” and finding it. When I take interest in a guy, I bond immediately and find reasons as to why we belong together and how right we are for each other. And lastly, I am addicted to feeling sad. Total contentment can instantly shatter at any reason to feel bad. I like to wallow in it and mourn. I sing sad songs and cry to them because the release I feel when tears are running down my face is stronger than any drug I’ve taken

Forces you to put on your pjs at 3:40pm and sleep

I awoke from my cat nap today and had dreamt I got a huge piece done on my right chest/shoulder of a bald eagle and American flag waving behind it because I’m a republican. It was pretty syck